Actual label instructions on consumer goods
1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Don ‘t turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)
8. On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and… I’m taking this because???…)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to… what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh… fly Delta?)
14. On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)