Two Muslim families move into the United States from Afghanistan.
Upon arrival in Jersey City they make a bet as to which family will become more American in one year.
A year later they meet to compare experiences to see which family won.
The first Muslim said: “Yesterday my son went to a baseball game, my wife bought [...]
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by [...]
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to [...]
Be careful of women who love you just the way you are — it’s a sure sign they settle too easily.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. The priest says he must ask his superiors and eventually the pope will need to be consulted. The [...]
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Redneck are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’
The Arab, [...]
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it, don’t waste them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually, speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car [...]
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
- Winston Churchill
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
- Abraham Lincoln
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
- Moses Hadas
“A modest little person, with much to [...]
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5′ 10″, with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she [...]
1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be [...]
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother’s home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn’t [...]
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
“Hello,” said the little boy. “Hi,” replied the little girl.
“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.
“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on [...]
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man [...]
“I am a fan of the social policies that you find in Europe.” – Hillary to Rep. Dennis Hastert in 1993
“We just can’t trust the American people to make these types of choices…. Government has to make those choices for people.” – Hillary to a friend before starting law school
“We are at a stage in [...]
Senator Hillary Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
‘You know,’ she says, ‘I’ve heard these flights go much more quickly if you [...]
Women get bra price equality
Forty years after feminists threatened to burn their bras, British women have won another battle in the fight for equality.
Asda, Britain’s second-biggest food retailer and owned by U.S. giant Wal-Mart, says it will no longer charge women more for bigger bras in its George fashion range.
“We’re putting an end once and [...]
A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.
Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the “pet” of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.
Pictures showed her dressed in [...]
MADRID – A Spanish driver who collided with a cyclist is suing the dead youth’s family $29,300 for the damage the impact of his body did to his luxury car, a Spanish newspaper reported on Friday.
Businessman Tomas Delgado says 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo caused $20,500 of damage to his Audi A8 in the fatal 2004 crash [...]
Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski [...]
A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an Agent out to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much You pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm [...]
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, [...]
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh [...]
Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler
- Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”
- Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
- There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience [...]
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ”R,” and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ”Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” In class a few [...]
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond “a blue four-door.”
After a pause, the driver [...]
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning. That was about half the usual length of his sermons.
He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”
After the service, a visitor [...]
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, [...]
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If [...]
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, Except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”
Mujibar said, “I am ready.”
The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister [...]
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
“Make it short,” the customer replied, “with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and [...]
I’d had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: “We’re putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it’s lights out!”
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, “We learned in Sabbath school about little boys and [...]
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID [...]
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The priest said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donvan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?”
She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Fadder.”
The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”
She replied, “No, [...]
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years– and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now [...]
My wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if I didn’t help, I’d be in big, big trouble, so I helped.
However, she didn’t tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may be in trouble [...]
Authentic Amusing Headlines
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
— The Los Angeles Times
Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories
– Huntington Herald-Dispatch
Alcohol ads promote drinking
– The Hartford Courant
Infertility unlikely to be passed on
— Montgomery Advertiser
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
— Cornell Daily Sun
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
— The New York Times
Malls try to attract [...]
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*.
10. “Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
9. “No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
8. “Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed [...]
Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know [...]
A man is driving down the road and he sees a nigger family carrying furniture and dishes into an outhouse. He just shakes his head and keeps driving. The next day he sees them attaching a satellite dish to the roof of the outhouse. He just shakes his head and keeps driving. The next day [...]
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. One says, “It’s ridiculous! He’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s [...]
If you have an “Automotive Minded” person in you life, these gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or [...]
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
“Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. [...]
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest [...]
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was [...]
“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”
“Please listen carefully as our menu remains the same.”
“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”
“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and [...]
Doesn’t this just “FROST” you?!?!
These are the senators that voted to give illegal aliens Social Security benefits. Regardless of political party, these Fuckwits politicans need to be tared and feathered defeated in 2006 2008 or 20010 whenever they come up for reelection.
The entire population of the United States needs to know about this. That is [...]
Nude and soo sexy!
Desiree Phillips to smilaprats
Being even a little overweight today can be extremely difficult and is embarassing for so many people. Today’s society expects men and women to look lean, toned and hard at all times. Tough standards to live up to! And mostly unrealistic. However, steady weight loss and improved self image are not unrealistic, [...]
“Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time!”
“Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he’ll show you the door!”
“Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!”
“Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the [...]