First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms…WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and  the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

Upon arrival in Jersey City they make a bet as to which family will become more American in one year.

A year later they meet to compare experiences to see which family won.

The first Muslim said: “Yesterday my son went to a baseball game, my wife bought a nice dress at K-Mart and I just finished a hamburger from McDonald’s.”

The second said: “Shut the f**k up, Towelhead!”

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had d ied of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered…’Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was still alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!…

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Doctor wouldn’t submit his name (Can’t blame him!)

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: “English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.”

One week later, “The Kerrymen,” a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless.”

The man is uneasy and thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?” So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and is told that a week long study of the bible texts will be needed to confirm his own opinion and he will get back to him. After this week, the minister gets back to the man and tells him that the bible indicates that Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi immediately replies , “My son, sex is definitely play.”

“Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?”

The Rabbi softly speaks, “My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.”

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’

The Redneck , cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says,

‘In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1 to 1. If you have 2 bodies, your ratio is 2 to 1, etc.

Q: What are advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
- Abraham Lincoln

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
- Moses Hadas

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
- Winston Churchill

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
- Groucho Marx

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
- Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.”
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
- Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
- Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
- John Bright

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
- Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
- Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
- Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
- Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. ”
- Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
- James Reston

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
- Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
- Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
- Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
- Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
- Andrew Lang

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
- Billy Wilder

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Don ‘t turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

8. On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and… I’m taking this because???…)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to… what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh… fly Delta?)

14. On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

“Don’t look at me that way,” she yelled. “The phone started ringing and I couldn’t figure out how to undo this stupid clip!”

“Hello,” said the little boy. “Hi,” replied the little girl.

“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.

“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl.

“I’m also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy.

“I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?”

“I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

“If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl.

“My Mom’ll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,” replied the little boy.

“I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl. “I’m gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.”

“That’s a good idea,”replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.”

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked …

“You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTISTand a METHODIST!!!

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

“Okay,” he said, “Let’s drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while.”

“We just can’t trust the American people to make these types of choices…. Government has to make those choices for people.” – Hillary to a friend before starting law school

“We are at a stage in history in which remolding society is one of the great challenges facing us all in the West.” – During her 1993 commencement address at the University of Texas

“Many of you are well enough off that [President Bush’s] tax cuts may have helped you. We’re saying that for America to get back on track , we’re probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We’re going to have to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.” – Hillary at a fund raising speech in San Francisco in 2004

“Gentlemen, I have looked at your proposal, and it’s pure bull-sh*t! Now you’ve had your meeting! Get Out!” – Addressing health insurance executives after a meeting in which they presented their proposal for health care reform

“The Sorry Damn Son of a Bitch” – From the book “The Agenda: Inside the Clinton White House” by Bob Woodward

“The Devil’s in that Woman” – Miss Emma, the cook at the Arkansas Governor’s Mansion, referring to Hillary during one of Hillary’s profane cursing fits.

‘You know,’ she says, ‘I’ve heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let’s talk’.

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, ‘Well I s’pose that’d be all right, m’am. What’d ya like to discuss?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm ‘How about Iraq?’

‘Hmm,’ says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff–grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?’

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, ‘I haven’t the slightest idea.’

‘So tell me, then,’ says the cowboy with a smile. ‘How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don’t know shit?’

Forty years after feminists threatened to burn their bras, British women have won another battle in the fight for equality.

Asda, Britain’s second-biggest food retailer and owned by U.S. giant Wal-Mart, says it will no longer charge women more for bigger bras in its George fashion range.

“We’re putting an end once and for all to one of the last prejudices — that of the bigger-busted woman,” said brand director Fiona Lambert in a statement.

“From now on, all bras at George will be exactly the same price from A cup through to F cup.”

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the “pet” of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.

Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain — which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.

She told the Daily Mail newspaper Wednesday she was thrown off and told: “We don’t let freaks and dogs like you on.”

Arriva would not comment on specifics but said it apologized if the couple felt they had been discriminated against. It added, however, that the driver was worried about safety and the company told Maltby to take the leash off in the future.

“We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety,” a spokesman said. “Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead.”

Maltby — who lives on state benefits and got engaged in November — said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.

“I am a pet,” she told the Daily Mail. “I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don’t cook or clean and I don’t go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”

Businessman Tomas Delgado says 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo caused $20,500 of damage to his Audi A8 in the fatal 2004 crash in La Rioja region, the El Pais newspaper reported.

Delgado, who has faced no criminal charges for the incident, wants a further 6,000 euros to cover the cost of hiring another vehicle while his car was being repaired, El Pais said.

The youth had been cycling alone at night without reflective clothing or a helmet, according to a police report cited by El Pais.

His family won 33,000 euros compensation from Delgado’s insurance company after the firm acknowledged he had been driving at excessive speed and this could have contributed to the incident, El Pais reported.

“I’m also a victim in all of this, you can’t fix the lad’s problems, but you can fix mine,” Delgado told the newspaper, ahead of a January 30 legal decision on his suit.

The family said they had previously pitied Delgado for the guilt he must feel at killing their son but were now disgusted that his greatest concern appeared to be money.

“This was the final straw, a kick in the teeth,” the youth’s mother Rosa Trinidad told El Pais.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in bad weather and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.