My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.”
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, “Yes, darling, I know. That’s why I married a college graduate.” [...]
Experts Claim Official 9/11 Story is a Hoax – Yahoo! News
PRWEB) – Duluth, MN (PRWEB) January 30, 2006 — A group of distinguished experts and scholars, including Robert M. Bowman, James H. Fetzer, Wayne Madsen, John McMurtry, Morgan Reynolds, and Andreas von Buelow, have concluded that senior government officials have covered up crucial facts about [...]
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”
Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.” [...]
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, “What do you think we should do?”
The farmer replied with a draw, “Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I’d feed it.”
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach… and [...]
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes [...]
Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he [...]
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was told.
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.
The reply was, “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”
I understand the fix a local hunting guide got himself into.
His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. “You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they asserted.
“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”
10. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
5. The fire hydrant [...]
There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, [...]
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.
The little girl was quite indignant. “No, daddy, I don’t like him!” she stated. “He’s only interested in one thing.” Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
“Power Rangers, of course,” said the toddler.
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: “Do you know they are all out of step except you?” “What?” asked the recruit innocently. “I said — they are all out [...]
A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.
Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your [...]
As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one [...]
Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup.” They summoned a waiter to complain.
Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen,
“Hey, the printers forgot to translate the [...]
* A kindergarten teacher asked, “What is the shape of the earth?”
One lil’ girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy — terrible!”
* Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil’ tyke piped up,= “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”
* [...]
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face. (Whack)
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but [...]
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell’s laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been hard at work on Bell’s new invention to transmit sound over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he suddenly hears … ring, ring [...]
Winter in Pakistan – Newsletter # 33
Likely you have seen Pakistan earthquake relief operations on television. Although ADRA Pakistan has trucked much of its relief effort into the Bagh area, ADRA has received considerable assistance with helicopter deliveries and personnel transport as well. Since helicopter operations began, there have been only a few days when [...]
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!” But the [...]
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? It seems like that have an award show for everything.
They even have awards for commercials! The Clio Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall [...]
These, are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
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Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
********
Q: How is dew formed?
A: [...]
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.
There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with [...]
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn’t have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base’s corridor floors, and asked him, “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Private Duncan replied, “Sure.”
The Corporal turned red. He said, “That’s no way to address a superior officer! Now let’s [...]
Russia is no longer our enemy and therefore we shouldn’t be locked into a Cold War mentality that says we keep the peace by blowing each other up. In my attitude, that’s old, that’s tired, that’s stale. GWB Des Moines, Iowa, June 8 2001
If a person doesn’t have the capacity that we all want that [...]