A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can [...]
Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job center he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped [...]
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be [...]
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. [...]
Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out. When he returned to [...]
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked [...]
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. [...]
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m ok but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.”
He knocked gently on the door.
The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window.
“Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked politely.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes [...]
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best Christmas present I ever got.”
“That’s great,” said his Uncle Rodney. “Do you know how to play it?”
“Oh, I don’t play it,” Little Johnny said. “My [...]
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend’s new telephone number, I dialed him — and got a woman.
“Is Mike there?” I asked.
“He’s in the shower,” she responded.
“Please tell him his girlfriend called,” I said and hung up.
When he didn’t return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. “This [...]
In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger.”
“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the customer.
“I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane [...]
Two factory workers were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work.” said the man.
“How do you think you will do that?” said the other one. He proceeded to show her…by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, [...]
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,
“Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make [...]
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”
My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. “Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”
They shot in the air three times, [...]
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.
Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. “I’m having a problem,” [...]
My mother and I returned to my parents’ house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father’s name over and [...]
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and [...]