We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband’s life, but he is self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people that by the time she graduates from high school, he’ll be in a nursing home.
One day she [...]
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only [...]
*A Woman’s Conversation About a Haircut:*
Oh! That’s so cute!
Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Oh no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much [...]
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine… except [...]
Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.
“How are you going to do that?”
“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”
“I think you need some time off,” [...]
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out of everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand [...]
Don’t worry, your dad didn’t know what *he* was doing, either.
Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his or her mother, and for the first year you are merely a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement park ride. Then, a referee. Finally, a bank.
If you want to circumcise [...]
If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph…. “God Will Take Care of Me”
at 55 mph…. “Guide me, O Great Jehovah”
at 65 mph…. “Nearer My God to Thee”
at 75 mph…. “Nearer Still Nearer”
at 85 mph…. “This World is Not My Home”
at 95 mph…. “Lord, I’m Coming Home”
No, it’s a Rolls-Canardly.
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When he gets in it, it…..rolls downhill, but canardly get up the other side!
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door, and shouts, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the damn lottery!”
“Oh, my God!” screams his wife. “What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“It doesn’t matter,” the husband yells back, “Just get the hell out!”
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a [...]
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him [...]
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth [...]
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.. “Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such [...]
“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city on field trip to the country.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. [...]