Evil Super-Villains need Love, Too

I just saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last night. Really cool movie. By far the best of the lot. But, of course, the movie gets to the climax where Harry comes face to face with his nemesis Lord Voldemort in a scary graveyard and they have a Wizard’s duel and Harry is down on the ground where Lord Voldemort could deliver the coup de Grace. And what does Lord Voldemort do instead of slaying the foe he has pursued all of these years?

That’s right. He gloats. He goes into a big, long tedious speech, which gives Harry the opportunity of scheming his way out of it and then the evil lord loses. Again. Why don’t these guys ever figure it out? If you got the good guy on the ropes just shut up and kill them, already. It’s as easy as that.

Ah well, they’ll never listen to me, will they?

But that’s not my point. My point is: Did you ever notice that Super Villains never have wives or girlfriends? Think back on it. Think about every single super villain in the comic books and in the movies and ask yourself whether you ever see these dudes with female comapanionship? Lex Luther? Nope. Braniac? Nope? The Joker? The Penguin? The Bookworm? no. no. And no. Dr. No. No, way. Dr. Doom? No, there never was a Mrs. Dr. Doom and, of course, there wasn’t any Mrs. Lord Voldemort, either. C’mon, these guys can’t all be gay, can they?

So, what’s up with them? Do you think maybe they got the idea for all this evil crap because they were lonely and had a lot of time on their hands? Take my word for it, you don’t plan the destruction of the entire world if you have to pick the kids up from day care and mow the lawn and fix the toilet or listen to your wife nag you all night long. It doesn’t happen.

And that doesn’t only hold true in the imaginary world. The most evil, horrible real-life villains -serial killers – they’ve never been lucky with the ladies. Have they? I guarantee you that if every single one of these awful men’d had a submissive super model girlfriend they wouldn’t have bothered to go out a’ killin’. They would have stayed home. And if for some reason they still had thoughts about commiting the worst crimes in the world – I think they would have just kept that to themselves.

Or how about you? Not that I think you’re a serial killer or evil super-villain, but put yourselves in their shoes for just a second. Which would you rather do if you had the choice: Stay home with Tyra Banks or go out and murder people?

Yep. Thought so.

Case closed.

About the Author
Steve Sommers is the author of Breakfast with the Antichrist.

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