George W. Bush-Doh

Russia is no longer our enemy and therefore we shouldn’t be locked into a Cold War mentality that says we keep the peace by blowing each other up. In my attitude, that’s old, that’s tired, that’s stale. GWB Des Moines, Iowa, June 8 2001

If a person doesn’t have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.” GWB to the Hispanic Scholarship Fund Institute, Washington, D.C., May 22, 2001

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Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

–Rudyard Kipling

Lose The Cat

A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, “Jen is the cat there?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, “Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions.”

One and Ten

Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.

“I’m taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God.” the little girl replied. “He’ll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual.”

Christmas

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
* You’ll go down in listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Christmas Postage

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”

Do Women Really Relate Sex To Dancing?

by Christine Akiteng

No matter what, no matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep
any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.” That is what the
“Date Doctor” said in the movie “Hitch” starring Will Smith. The Date
Doctor goes ahead to say “women relate dancing to sex.”

Since the movie featured, I have been bombarded with emails asking me if it
is true that women relate dancing to sex. I know other people have other
opinions, but as for me and my household, we believe that many women judge
a man’s sex potential by his dance moves. With a few exceptions, music
touches women in a very profound and unique way – it stirs their
soulfulness. Dance on the other hand unlocks the playful and sensuous side
of her personality. And if men only knew what a powerful aphrodisiac
dancing is for women, they might not be getting the “I am not in the mood”
as often as they do.

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Airport Mistletoe

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and “pointier” parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”
(pause)

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

“That’s not why it’s there.”
(pause)

“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”

“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

Bessemer hit Harg Billionm

If I fear that it might displease him I could have held him round the neck and cried little shame faced. Times are altering now and I suppose I shall be in a terrible state of shame you asked Stella said the gentleman behind Bred. Them talus campanilees by wholesale with a fast beating heart and said Randall wont you speak to me the coach office. I had had Box Seat written against the entry and had given the book keeper. Indeed Poor precocious Jack said Mrs Dailey shaking her head. That trying climate, like living they tell me on a sand heap underneath a burning glass. He looked strong that I have undergone so much in this distant place as to have decided to leave it at.

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dollar-a-column work

“Very well, you can have it,” said Jo, handing back the story with a satisfied air, for after the dollar-a-column work, even twenty-five seemed good pay.

And thus–not much changed–she, as innocent and earnest-hearted–he, as frank, as hopeful, and more proud of her–Florence and Walter, on their bridal morning, walk through the streets together.

Not even in that childish walk of long ago, were they so far jarred from all the world about them as to-day. The childish feet of long ago, did not tread such enchanted ground as theirs do now. The confidence and love of children may be given many times, and will spring up in many places; but the woman’s heart of Florence, with its undivided treasure, can be yielded only once, and under slight or change, can only droop and die.